When after a long period of idleness I finally completed my effort on Athansius' soteriology and how it's left me exploring the possibility of Universalism, two things came to mind. Firstly, that I don't think I really did justice on how the two actually link at all, and secondly that actually what I'd articulated was more or less a 'Christus Victor' model of atonement, and that I could've saved myself a lot of time by simply noting that instead. What a redundant post, all in all.
Only later on did it occur to me that it was an exercise in pure theological speculation; it had nothing to do with politics, faith in action or political and religious current events, which is what Last Lefts was really meant to be about. It was also at this moment that I considered how I'm far more inclined (at the moment anyway) to pick up a book on the mediaeval church than the newspaper anway, how I want to talk about A. C. Grayling's 'the Good Book' (unlikely to happen for a while since I'm not shelling out £25 for it, and then, I'd have to read a good portion of it before I could say anything on the matter) or life in the church or a particularly good piece of music I've heard and want to share, not just musings on immigration speeches, particularly when others tend to do it with more skill and enthusiasm. These other things are what I spend most of my time thinking about, these are what I wanted to talk about and so where was I to put all these things down?
To this end I have constructed, if you will, a Whale. Like Jonah's. Now, I'm aware that really it was a big fish, but even, even the close similarity of the name to Noah and the Whale was not going to convince to call this blog 'Nathan's fish'. No no no. Any-who, the point is that of all the characters in the Bible, I have a special sympathy for Jonah, I am always grateful to find his story made it to the canon.
I too, it's true, am highly familiar with trying to run from God, to be angry at conceptions of him as Christianity presents them, to be thoroughly baffled by the whole brouhaha. Ever since I started studying Christianity as a student, I think it's fair to say that I have learnt much and know less than when I started. I can't even really tell you what or where I am most of the time. Am I losing my faith? Full of sin and far from God? In a Dark Night of the Soul? Blinded by Pride? a 'Winter Christian' (look it up, it's an interesting idea) with an 'existential faith orientation' (same guy, he's really quite good). Maybe I'm just confused?
So what I need is a Whale. In trying to escape from God Jonah finds himself unable to, even needing God's rescue when he's cast into the sea. There's no 'simply walk away' option. Having been swallowed the text of 1:17 reads '...and Jonah was in the belly of the fish for three days and three nights'.
That's it. We can only imagine what went through his mind during that time, however at the end of this period Jonah makes this remarkable declaration of faith and commitment. He comes to some kind conclusion, a decision, and so he no longer needs to be out of the world and taking time to think things through, it is now the time for Jonah to act.
The wonderful thing about Jonah of course is that straightaway after this he is ranting at God again- paradoxically because God is merciful! There is no pleasing this man, and his short memory span is quite staggering. The story ends open-endedly, God poses a question and we never hear Jonah's reply, we never see if he comes round or not. He never becomes perfect, he is only ever in the process of becoming...something. Apparently believers don't all have to fit a certain 'type' to be instruments and recipients of grace.
This then, is my Whale, or the notes made whilst in it, carved on the stomach lining with fish bones, so that I don't forget them in a hurry. Expect odd news clippings, off-the-cuff thoughts, incoherent mysticism, gossip, patches of historical interest, introspection and personal testimony, totally unrelated matters, some theology and maybe even a bit of heresy.
Having found my old religious certainties collapsing I am left trying to put the pieces back to together in a way that preserves intellectual integrity to my satisfaction. I want to see if I too, can come to some sort of conclusions, some answers. It's not easy, I suspect I will take longer than 3 days and I don't know if that conclusion will mean commitment or just walking away. However I think here, in the gloom and the quiet (I try not to dwell on the smell) it's worth at least having a go at this. And if you dear reader are so inclined, your thoughts and ideas and comments can be part of it too as we go on this odd interior journey of mine, trying to make sense of our world, and whatever, (if anything) lies beyond it.
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